My stomach became tight as the trees slowly began to disappear and the landscape started to turn to sand and tumbleweeds. Eastern Washington has never been one of my favorite places, not even while I was growing up there, but as I made the drive to Richland this time, a seething hatred started to bubble up within me. As irrational as it was, I just knew that if Maddie were on the west side of the state, none of this would be necessary... My little Maddie-Girl wouldn't have to die today. But as I said, that was irrational thinking, and there was no place she could be and nothing we could do to save her.
The closer I got to my mom's house, the worse my stomach got. My neck and jaw began to ache, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember the words to the songs I was trying to sing along with to distract myself. I didn't know what I was going to encounter once I arrived at mom's. She had just told me that Maddie had deteriorated very quickly, and that she didn't look like herself anymore. My mind raced with all the horrible possibilities, all the time worrying about how Gus would manage without his partner in crime.
It took me a long time to get out of my car once I pulled up to my mom's house. I wondered if I should run across the grass to get to Maddie as soon as possible, or whether I should pull my bags out of the car and go in as I would normally. My mom stepped out onto the porch and motioned me inside, but even then I felt myself lagging. I didn't want to see Maddie this way, and I felt like a fucking coward because of it.
I floated across the lawn, wondering how I'd managed to make the 4 hour drive down from Seattle in this condition. I could see her before I even opened the front door. She was lying on a pillow in the living room, panting hard and unable to even lift her head to look at me. Pugs are not the most flexible dogs to begin with, but her poor little body seemed so stiff and unnatural. Her ears twitched and her breathing changed, so I knew she was aware that someone else had arrived. I knelt down at her side and began rubbing her head. Her eyes were still liquid brown pools of affection, but they had become faded and dim and darted around in fear and anxiety. Her breathing was harsh and labored, and it made my chest hurt just to watch her.
It damn near killed me to see her like that. Maddie was always the one that was active and had to investigate everything, being immobile must have been agony for her. As I sat there stroking her ears, my mom wandered through the living room and dining room, talking on the phone and keeping herself busy with small little chores. It became apparent my mom wasn't going to initiate what needed to be done, so I suggested we go. I did this as much for me as for Maddie, because a tangible sense of pain had descended upon me as I sat there with her. My mom however, was unable to concede that it was time to put her out of her misery. For 3 hours I sat in my mom's front room, gently petting Maddie and growing angrier and angrier with each passing minute. While we dicked around, trying to come up with more excuses to delay the inevitable, her breathing was growing more and more labored and her eyes were filling with pain which I found unbearable, I don't know how Maddie managed to cope with it.
Finally Laura and I convinced my mom it was time to go, so we wrapped Maddie in a blanket and drove her out to a farm in Pasco where one of Laura's coworkers lived and would administer the shot. I held her on the ride out, and she was so stiff in my arms, it must have been uncomfortable for her. However she'd lost the ability to bend or move much at all. It was a lovely day with a beautiful blue sky and slight breeze to keep things from getting too hot. My eyes alternated from gazing at Maddie and staring at nothing out the car window. I know Maddie must have been scared, but I can only hope that she knew how much she was loved, and that we were going to take her pain away soon.
We arrived at Roberta's after a journey that seemed to take forever and yet be instantaneous all at the same time. We laid Maddie in some deep grass at the base of a lovely shade tree in the front yard. I was grateful that Maddie's last moments were here and not in some sterile, soulless office. We all gathered around her and the injection was given. The light faded out of Maddie's eyes and her breathing stopped as a gentle wind rustled the leaves above us and the hair on our heads.
And as simple as that, my dear, sweet Maddie was gone. No more quizzical looks or offended expressions, no more dry nose or the tongue that refused to stay in her mouth. Maddie came to us from an abusive and neglectful house at the age of 6. I wish I could have saved her those 6 years of unhappiness, but I hope that the 6 years we gave her helped to make up for unpleasantness she went through. I will miss her neurotic ways and playful spirit. She was a damn good dog, and she will be sorely missed.
